This piece was inspiration for the WIP (now working on Chapter 22, can you say hallelujah?), but more for the “voice” than the actual story, although one of the characters does make an appearance, and their storyline is slated for one of the books in the series (did I just say “series”?? Someone call the men in the white jackets with the good drugs!). I take names and their meanings very seriously, if you want a clue.
This was also the result of a writer’s prompt — the cliched phrase that’s used as the opening. I know it’s generally frowned upon to start a story with dialog, but sometimes it just fits.
Titles are important in flash, and I think this one implies a lot more than the simplicity indicates.
Long Time
“Long time, no see,” she said.
Upon hearing that voice, my whole body stiffened, including Mr. Happy. What can I say? I’m a guy, and that’s what happens to guys when a beautiful Goddess sneaks up behind you and whispers something like that in your ear.
I didn’t turn, because I didn’t want her to see how she could still affect Mr. Happy that way. Although, I’m pretty sure she was more than aware.
“Lilith. Wouldn’t you know it. I knew this was going to be one of those days when I cut myself shaving.”
“Aw, Samuel,” she breathed in my ear. I could feel the heat of her body steaming. Christ, what did I do to deserve this? Okay, I should probably go to church every Sunday, but it’s not like I kick puppies or slap old ladies. “You’ve missed me, I can tell.” Her evil chuckle, for some reason, made Mr. Happy even more happy. Shit.
I resumed bussing the table and tried to speak as if all the blood in my body had not just pooled into my groin area. “Nope. Haven’t spared you a thought since…well, since the last time I saw you. Whatever you want, I’m not interested. See ya.” I wiped off the table and picked up the tub of dirty dishes and finally turned with the tub strategically placed for maximum coverage.
She looked exactly the same. The woman oozes sensuality like a fat man sweating in a sauna. It should be illegal, and I expect it is in many states. Including my state of confusion and arousal. “Go on. Leave me alone, I’m not interested. Once was enough.” I attempted to push by her, but she put her hand on my arm, stopping me dead in my tracks. What’s a guy to do, I ask you?
“Please. Just five minutes. Surely you have a break coming.” She batted her eyelashes, the green of her eyes sparkling like shards of glass. Then, she smiled. Oh, shit. I could feel the swelling of Mr. Happy becoming painful, and I almost dropped the tub of dishes. I didn’t even hear the clattering of the diners anymore, and I think I might have drooled. Just a little, though.
I never thought I’d say this, but thank the Gods my boss came walking up. “What’s goin’ on here? C’mon Sam, there’s three tables at station 12 that need…oh.” First time I’ve ever seen the old bastard derailed. It was kind of funny, actually. “Who’s this pretty lil’ girl?” Hah. If he only knew.
“Lilith, meet Bob. Bob, Lilith.” I took advantage of the distraction to ease around the two of them, leaving Bob to Lilith’s tender mercies. She never could resist an easy mark, as I knew all too well. I took off for the kitchen, tossed the tub of dishes in the sink and shed the crummy apron. On my way out the door for the last time, I saw Lilith draw Bob over to a quiet spot of the restaurant, and counted my blessings.
The bus station is just down the street. I’m on the very first one out of here, destination unknown and I don’t care. Oh, she’ll find me again. But, just because you have a Goddess hunting you down doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for her.
33 Comments to “Long Time — Friday Flash Fiction”
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Starting with dialogue worked very well here. And I LOVED Mr. Happy, heh! So many wonderful sentences, especially Including my state of confusion and arousal !
She’s a Goddess, she’s a Lilith…yep, I see
I do want to read your series.
Well done!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Marisa Birns. Marisa Birns said: RT @netta50 Long Time is now up here for #fridayflash: http://bit.ly/QHsEW~ meet a happy fella! [...]
For better or worse, we all need a little Lilith now and then. I like the casual, cheeky voice. Sounds like the book will be a fun read.
trev´s last blog ..Learning to Swim
The tone is great. I loved how he used his boss as a sacrificial lamb to the wolf.
Tony Noland´s last blog ..#FridayFlash: A Level-Headed Man
Great voice. Mr. Happy made me happy. When’s the book coming out? peace, Linda
Linda´s last blog ..Break Time: #fridayflash
Thanks, Marisa! I really did have fun with this
Heh, Trev. Be careful how you say that — Lilith is always on the lookout
Appreciate you stopping by.
Thanks, Tony. Yeah, Sam seems almost as wily as Lilith, doesn’t he?
Much appreciated, everyone.
*clap clap clap!* You have me all giddy and giggling. Poor guy, lol. This is a wonderful piece, good luck with the novel!!!
Shannon Esposito´s last blog ..Friday Flash: One Last Inkblot
Great tone! I’d like to know why Lilith is so focused on Sam. Loved the way he threw his boss under the bus.
Laura Eno´s last blog ..The Bridge – #FridayFlash
I’d like to meet Lilith. She sounds like fun. “Mr. Happy” analogy is funny is hell. I love the way this ended, because I want to know why he had to get away from her so badly. Surely it wasn’t because of Mr. Happy being so, um, HAPPY it hurt? Goddess, succubus, or demon?
Great story! I’m becoming a big fan of your writing!
“It should be illegal, and I expect it is in many states. Including my state of confusion and arousal.”
Oh man that was a great turn of phrase.So was sex oozing off her like sweat from a fat man in a sauna. Loved the whole thing.
Thanks for the grin.
Karen :0)
And Avery? judging from Mr. Happy’s reaction to “last time” succubus, definitely succubus…..
Nice getaway. I haven’t met too many men who could resist. I’ll bet Mr. Happy was sad. Well written and kept me reading (and I bore easily). Susan Cross, #Fridayflash Obsession and Survival.
Very good. Every guy wants a beautiful woman, but not every guy likes what they get.
The only thing I think it’s missing is a reason why she’s pursuing him.
Hunted by a goddess – lovely concept!
Alan´s last blog ..Friday flash – Strange Death
I bet it has been a long time. The dialogue is great here Netta.
“Christ, what did I do to deserve this?” The invocation of Christ was clever and made me smile.
~chris
Chris Chartrand´s last blog ..Duce In The Machine
Who says you can’t start with dialogue? Oh yeah, ‘the rules’. You’ve got to know the rules to break them
I thought this was great. I wanted to say I thought you got the male voice down pat, but being a female, didn’t feel I was qualified…good to see the fellas in here thought so!
I also loved this: “The woman oozes sensuality like a fat man sweating in a sauna” – awesome visuals there!
Cascade Lily´s last blog ..#fridayflash: Book Club
“Who says you can’t start with dialogue? Oh yeah, ‘the rules’.”
Are you serious? This is a “rule” I haven’t come across before. I start loads of my stuff with dialogue.
Alan´s last blog ..Friday flash – Strange Death
Thanks everyone!
Shannon, you made me grin too
I’m so pleased you like it, and thanks for the good luck wishes.
Laura, that was for all of us who have had a boss they’d love to throw under a bus. Heh.
Thank you Avery, that’s a high compliment.
Heh, Karen. I’m glad you enjoyed it. It was a blast to write.
Thank you Susan!
Hi Leigh, and that seems to be a recurring question. I’m not sure if it would make the piece stronger or if it’s better to let the reader use their imagination. I’ll have to think it over.
Thanks, Alan.
I’m so glad I hit it right, Chris. Dialogue has often been my nemesis. Thanks!
Heh, Lily. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to capture that “guy” vibe, I’m glad it came across. That’s me, the rule breaker. I do it all the time.
Alan, I’m not sure it’s a “rule” per se, but I’ve heard it said (and read it written) that starting with dialogue is frowned upon by editors. Personally, if it suits the story I don’t care, and I’ve seen that particular rule broken more times than I can count by writers much more successful than I. So there ya go.
Pah! Editors. What do they know?
Alan´s last blog ..Friday flash – Strange Death
Ooooh, you poking with a stick! Of course, as an icon, you can do that. (Gigglesnort.) Smite them with your scepter!
I’ll smite you with my sceptre!
(Ooh-er!)
Alan´s last blog ..Friday flash – Strange Death
Promises, promises. I bet you say that to all the girls. Hahahaha!
Only the pretty ones.
Alan´s last blog ..Friday flash – Strange Death
Must say I am very curious about Sam, for a goddess to be on the prowl for him this way – and for him to be so confident he can do better. Hope you’ll tell us more about him.
Rosa Say´s last blog ..The Garage Sale #FridayFlash
Nicely done.
Very nice story!
I especially love the ending phrase “But, just because you have a Goddess hunting you down doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for her.”
I like, Netta! A lot of fun, with potential to develop this into something more. Sam’s good a good voice, too. Definitely. I want more.
Ok, I just left you a long comment and hit send without filling out the name stuff (duh) and lost it all.
The character’s voice is excellent. Mr. Happy is obviously painfully happy and Goddess is on the prowl. Your writing voice is fun and lighthearted. There are so many lines I liked here, but this one had me laughing.
The woman oozes sensuality like a fat man sweating in a sauna.
Fantastic! Also loved how you left us hanging (ahem, Mr. Happy) in the end. I’m looking forward to reading more of your writing next friday!
Sensuality: just like sweaty fat men. Loved that! (Well, I suppose you never see the two in a room together….)
I loved that, and I certainly want to know more about the back story!
mazzz_in_Leeds´s last blog ..#FridayFlash: A Daemon Meets Its Maker
Well done! I’m quite curious to know about their past and why the MC was so keen to get away from her.
I did think, though, that this simile was phrased a bit awkwardly: “The woman oozes sensuality like a fat man sweating in a sauna.”
A first read I thought you were saying she was sensuous much like a fat man in a sauna
You set us down in quite an interesting situation that reads well on it’s own. Excellent job! I’d love to hear more–both backstory and what’s to come.
Eric J. Krause´s last blog ..#fridayflash: Open the Box
I’m chiming in late here, but this piece is full of wonderful phrases. I love the concept and I look forward to reading more!
PJ (doublelattemama)´s last blog ..Minneapolis or Bust
Your dialogue is short enough and you follow it immediately with a vivid description of who is listening and how he reacts to the comment, so opening with dialogue works. I also wondered what happened the last time Sam and Lilith met to make him both ecstatic and mortified to meet her. Nice twist throwing the boss under the wheels.
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