The Echo

This story first appeared in 2004, in Chick Flicks E-Zine.

He left me and that has been an echo in my heart ever since.

It has colored every single one of my decisions, every one of my thoughts, every one of my choices. It is scary to think that one incident can change your whole life, but it can.

Am I helpless to do other than live out my destiny? Are all of our destinies no more than the choices made by other people?

The color of loneliness is in every glance of my eye. The flavor of sadness never leaves my mouth. The song of forever rings in my ears until I can hear nothing else.

I can’t stay. I can’t open the door and the walls are too high to scale. You can’t come in.

If I let you in you will leave me.

You will leave me and the hole gets bigger. You will leave me and the wind howls through the remnants of what I am, and the ragged curtains flutter.

You say you won’t leave me but I will make you.

I will make you leave so the fact that he left me so long ago will make sense. I will make you leave as my punishment and atonement. You will not understand, but you will leave. Trust me.

So the door remains bolted, the walls remain high, and I won’t stay long. The taste of your kiss blots out sadness for a time; the color of your love brightens the dark corners of my heart and the song of your soul sings to me and soothes me. For a time.

But he left me long ago, and I don’t deserve this. The feeling of happiness is a terminal disease and I go into defense mode. The antibodies of joy and belonging attack at will, and you will go away in confusion and hurt. I know I have saved you from greater anguish in the end, but my pain swells as I watch you leave.

Like I knew you would.

I will think of you often. I will see your face in the dawn light,and remember. My heart will bleed, but I will remember. I will shed tears of loss of my own making, but I will remember.

The echo in my heart is never still.

Copyright 2004 © Annetta Ribken